Mobile Armored Podcast Show

SCANDAL! M.A.S.K. Lies to Children!

• Adam Moore and PJ McNerney • Season 1 • Episode 33

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When the ghost of Caesar haunts the Palantine Hill to scare off Matt Trakker’s workers, there is only one thing to do:
 
Time to call in Scooby Doo.
 
Just kidding, it turns out that V.E.N.O.M. is on the hunt for the lost sword of CAESAR, which… makes you invincible and is responsible for the rise and fall of Rome as an empire? (We don’t remember that from Latin class… but I suppose it is a great way to ignore the Roman Republic’s systemic issues of class warfare and military campaigns.)

From butchering Roman history to equating Caesar’s sword to the Ark of the Covenant to finally cruelly embarrassing Miles Mayhem, this latest episode of M.A.S.K. has it all!

Join Adam Moore and PJ McNerney for more fun on the Mobile Armored Podcast Show!!!

https://www.instagram.com/m.a.s.k.podcast/

Adam:

Welcome to the Mobile Armored Podcast Show, the podcast that transforms into an Indiana Jones scale desecration of ruins. My name is Adam Moore, alongside my co host and best friend PJ McNerney, who came up with That transformation line.

PJ:

That's my one contribution to this episode at this point in time. So I want to call out that. I mean, Adam does an amazing job of coming up with all these transformations each and every time. And so this, this was my like one, like, you know, bone that I'm throwing in to help out. You asked how I'm doing. I'm very angry. This, this particular episode incenses me to no end. So

Adam:

yeah. I'm looking forward to our panda poop conversation at the end of the episode, you're angry. I'm frustrated. With it on a lot of levels but here we are. So it's episode 33 Caesar's sword. Venom agent Sly racks poses as the ghost of Julius Caesar to scare off a team of archeologists. Who have uncovered Caesar's sword of victory. Now you and I took four years of Latin in high school

PJ:

did,

Adam:

I don't remember Caesar's sort of victory being written about in the Gallic wars or anything like that.

PJ:

Yeah, Debello Gallico doesn't mention it. Believe it or not, There is a sword, but we're going to, we're going to talk a lot about this. and I'm very, upset at our favorite history teacher in the show, not in real life, I

Adam:

Right.

PJ:

This is also a lie. Like, these archaeologists, if they're archaeologists at all, have not, in fact, discovered shit, okay?

Adam:

Yeah.

PJ:

this tagline is just, like, it's a lie, like, right off the bat.

Adam:

Well, yeah, there is more like a professor and construction workers, it seems. All right, so we open on Thunderhawk going wildly over the speed limit in Rome with Bruce, Scott, and T Bob in the car there. and notably Scott and T Bob are not wearing seatbelts.

PJ:

I just like this idea of Matt, are garbage, you're in a foreign country, don't worry, no one's going to enforce it.

Adam:

What are you a wimp? Shut up, kid. Though, I, and I did note, I went back and I noted that, that Matt is in fact wearing a seatbelt.

PJ:

He

Adam:

So

PJ:

He

Adam:

he protects himself. parents in the seventies and the eighties seatbelts. What are you talking about? You're in the back seat. You're going to be fine.

PJ:

To be fair, Matt knows that at any point in time, his gull wing doors might open and he'll try to do a barrel roll. So like, I actually think Matt needs a seatbelt on at all times.

Adam:

Yeah, true.

PJ:

Lest, lest he just fall out.

Adam:

Yeah. But you're in the back seat. You can also fall right up those gullwing doors too. So. I'm going to nominate this for a Father of the Year moment, right off the bat,

PJ:

yes, implies he's caring.

Adam:

So they're driving, they drive past the Colosseum and T Bob says, they're gonna have to fix it up if they ever expect to have a Major League franchise.

PJ:

I love how T Bob is, has succumbed to the tracker tendency to think about money. how do we commercialize this thing, this ruined building? It's useless just being a priceless artifact.

Adam:

Meanwhile, up on the Palatine Hill, some stereotypical Italian construction workers are using a crane to lift ancient ruins. So I have many things I would like to To pause on here.

PJ:

Yeah,

Adam:

First, we have a BuddyHawks nomination for the very Mario Luigi accents we're hearing here. Hey, lift it up! Be careful!

PJ:

it's, it's pretty egregious. And, you know, we've seen this problem before many, many times, but like, it's on full display here.

Adam:

And then secondly, they're using a construction crane, which might not be the best tool for moving delicate ruins.

PJ:

I loved it. I just, I was like, you know what? Fuck it.

Adam:

But here's the third thing is like, I'm pretty sure the Palatine Hill has been thoroughly excavated. Like what more could they possibly find?

PJ:

don't know if they're trying to find anything and I'm going to reserve the right to recall this moment later on the episode, because I think it ties to what are Matt's interests in this area.

Adam:

Okay. Noted. Well, suddenly, some smoke comes out of a hole in the ground, and the ghost of Julius Caesar, who sounds a lot like Sly Rax, appears, and he says, Plebeians, the Palatine Hill is my arresting place. Like trying to do an Italian accent like do you think Julius Caesar had actually I don't know We don't know what they sounded like, hey

PJ:

wouldn't be

Adam:

it's a my Well, there's that too

PJ:

I mean, he would be speaking in ancient Latin. the closest that we have in the modern day would be the Romanian people. But I do not think he would be like emphasizing his words in the Mario and Luigi style

Adam:

Right,

PJ:

accent we hear here.

Adam:

so certainly a Buddy Hawks nomination for Slyrax here

PJ:

100 percent on this one. He also declares, when they ask him, who are you? He's like, the most powerful military general of the ages, Julius Caesar. and I was like, okay, Julius was really impressive. I don't want to take

Adam:

hmm.

PJ:

A few other folks might take issue with this, like

Adam:

Mm hmm Mm

PJ:

Hannibal Barca and then I cheated on this one. I said Genghis Khan and his kid Subodai, but that came much later on, so.

Adam:

agreed. A bit of hyperbole. I mean, he might Be the most powerful military general of the ages. If he has the power that's displayed next, which is that he, he fires a laser from his finger and breaks the winch on the crane. And he says, if you refuse to obey me, you will suffer my wrath.

PJ:

Which destroys the ruin. They were, they had this big pillar that they were picking up

Adam:

Right.

PJ:

cracks on the ground. It was like. right. Wanton destruction. Thanks a lot, asshole.

Adam:

Yeah. Well, also he says this is his resting place. So it's like, you're desecrating your own resting place. Oh,

PJ:

This is what you get if you desecrate my resting place, but you just did it. Shut up.

Adam:

Well we cut to Matt and Bruce. And they are investigating the aftermath with a professor. Who gets a solid Buddy Hawks nomination for his Italian accent as well.

PJ:

I want to point out we're about three minutes in. We've got like four to five solid Buddy Hawks right off the bat.

Adam:

I know, in recent episodes. We've kind of ducted a little bit here and there. And here we are in Italy where they don't necessarily have to lean into it all that much. And yet like left and right, we're getting Buddy Hawks nominations. It's crazy.

PJ:

were saving. They were saving it up.

Adam:

They were, they were. Well, Scott is there, of course, and he discovers a gold coin on the ground, and he reads some Latin, but I couldn't make out what he was saying. What did you get?

PJ:

So I had to listen to this a few times. it's weird. Cause I said, what he said is E. And the best I could come up with it means from the rain and snow I've never heard this on any Roman coin. It's possible the, they mispronounced it or the Latin was just janky. They just put some shit down and it happens to match up with this.

Adam:

Well, unfortunately, this this coin turns out to be bronze. And Scott is, like, super bummed out. Like, it's just bronze. It's like, dude, it's an ancient coin you just found. How cool is that? It's worthless.

PJ:

the professor shits on it immediately because it's like, oh, yeah, they find them all over the place here. It's like, whatever,

Adam:

well, but can we talk about the fact that Matt is almost certainly funding this archeological dig because that's his MO. So, is he trying to do here?

PJ:

Well, I mean, he gets carte blanche access, so I kind of have to figure that he is funding it. I think they're putting up a new mall. Honestly, and so I think the reason they're moving the ruins is to develop the space commercially, because why would you move a giant pillar like that? Like, you know, it's like, hey, you need to study it and do all sorts of things rather than risk. It's destruction. So maybe it's a theme park. I don't know, but it's

Adam:

No, I think you're right. I think it's an outlet mall. I think it's Palatine Hills outlet that they're putting up. Come to Palatine Hills. a tracker real estate property. Well, Matt and Bruce, they use the mask computer to analyze the hook from the crane and the computer says evidence of particle beam laser under development by venom. And I just kind of got a little confused here. Cause don't they already have particle beams? Cause I got a science corner here to help me out.

PJ:

Let's kind of suss this out a bit. It is a bizarre combination. Let's start with what is a particle beam? Okay. a particle beam is something that accelerates a particle, which could be like atomic or subatomic. Too high speeds to smash into something. So,

Adam:

Mm hmm.

PJ:

you know, you could think of like any particle accelerator. that's, you know, like CERN or something like that is a particle beam. So you're whipping around like ions or atoms, or even like electrons or And you're firing them in a given direction. And you're like, they're getting accelerated to near light speeds. So when they hit something, it's a lot of energy you're dispersing. the military been trying to play with this for a while, and if they've got it, it's under wraps. It's probably on those New Jersey drones. but what is a laser then? So again, lasers, light amplification through stimulated emission of radiation, right? So you're taking these coherent photons, which means they're all the same wavelength. you're just firing him in a given direction. So if you want to get really pedantic about it, lasers light acts as both particle and waves. So you can consider a laser to be kind of a type of a particle beam. So calling something a particle beam laser is kind of redundant. here's the thing, if it's just a laser, so be it, they've come up with something, and it's just like, whatever. If it is a particle beam, however, Sly is getting exposed to amazingly dangerous levels of EM radiation. So, I hope he has put his sperm in a bank ahead of time, because that is no bueno, I'll tell you that much.

Adam:

Oh, sly, just adding insult to injury in terms of the radiation contamination of all these people. But what's interesting, too, is like the particle beam doesn't necessarily even like pay off. Later in the episode. It's just that's their connection to Venom and it's real real but it gives Matt the authorization he needs to Go to war in a foreign country And so in comes the agent selection scene first up is Gloria Baker black belt in kung fu champion race driver team hottie and Matt's wife and apparently a Background in archeology, according to the computer. Is she Lara Croft?

PJ:

maybe. I mean, I guess, maybe Laura Croft was based on Gloria.

Adam:

well, she gets the call. She's in the dojo and she drops a female opponent onto the ground without mercy and then runs off.

PJ:

So I do want to point out, she actually, the scene involves her first dropping the female

Adam:

That's true.

PJ:

Prior to the alarm going off, so she

Adam:

That's true.

PJ:

basically just out of course,

Adam:

Right.

PJ:

the emergency happened, she basically looks like she trips the opponent again, and then she takes off, like, so it's a real fuck you moment at that point in time.

Adam:

Absolutely. Second on the team is Hondo McClain. And the computer says he's a high school history teacher with expertise in ancient Rome. We'll see how that goes. So he's walking up the stairs in school and he's giving these two kids like some serious side eye. It's very bizarre. But then he gets the call and he comes sliding down the banister and he runs away.

PJ:

The expression from these kids is amazing. They're so blown away by this move. I thought they were in a Skittles commercial because it's that level of like,

Adam:

Whoa, Taste the Rainbow! Well, I'm starting to think that maybe Hondo suspected these kids of being totally stoned. Like, as he's walking up the stairs and he's looking at them. He's like sniffing. He's like, wait a minute. What's this that I smell because they are so stunned by him sliding down the banister and running the way they're like, Whoa,

PJ:

you cracked it, man. This is Spicoli all the way.

Adam:

a hundred percent. Well, the third member of our team is Bruce Sato preselected. And I said, phew, like, thank goodness. Because that would have been another awkward conversation.

PJ:

Do you feel like Bruce would have been a little hurt the computer didn't describe his use like he did the others, other than you happen to be there

Adam:

Well, look.

PJ:

it?

Adam:

In the past, as we know, the computer has not selected the person who was already present. So, at least he got, at least he got that.

PJ:

Good

Adam:

let's do a check on the flight time

PJ:

So for Gloria and Hondo to get to Denver it's about 10 and a half hours direct. So, they'll have some time to kill in Rome.

Adam:

indeed. Well, meanwhile We catch up with Venom and they are shacked up in some underground tunnels slash ruins beneath Rome Rax scares Cliff with his Caesar's ghost costume and he says you really are dumb To which Cliff responds. Don't call me dumb and Rax says sorry numbskull and Cliff says that's better

PJ:

I really feel like we're getting to the point like, if we didn't have so many awards already, I'd want to keep track of how much shit Cliff takes it's a lot all the time

Adam:

it is. It's a lot by the characters. It's a lot by the writers as well and dumping on him

PJ:

Did you notice Sly's not wearing glasses? Like he looks alert he's off of the ganja you know, he's getting back to his new year's resolution.

Adam:

So Rax, by the way, he's really proud of himself and this new laser that he has. But Vanessa says, stop taking all the credit. Because his ghost act wouldn't have succeeded without her smoke bombs. And then, she throws one of them at Rax. And the breeze emitted causes his toga to lift up. Exposing feminine uh, Like, What the heck is going on here? Like it's not even really appropriate for kids.

PJ:

yeah, we get treated to are several seconds of a closeup of Sly's crotch. there's like, there's no two ways about it. Like, you know, they, they make sure they zoom in right away and then continue it on afterwards.

Adam:

I know, it's bizarre.

PJ:

And I'd like to point out this. So there is no visible smoke here. This

Adam:

Right.

PJ:

bomb. This is a Marilyn Monroe subway air vent bomb because that is the effect it has caused.

Adam:

That's exactly, no, that's exactly what it does. And it's, It has no purpose here. The previous time it was in the show he was being chased, was it by the pandas? And his pants got ripped and it showed like his little boxers shorts with hearts on them. I think I'm remembering correctly. and this episode definitely gives the panda one to run for its money. So, Maybe it's the same writer and the writer just loves showing Sly Rax's underwear. And I think that's an issue that writer Needs to deal with with a therapist, right?

PJ:

it because the last time we got like a brief shot lasting maybe a couple seconds of Sly's heart underwear, this one, we get a zoom in and then we continue it like at a wide shot of making sure, you know, this is his underwear.

Adam:

but not to belabor this point, but do they not know how to animate underwear because or maybe Sly just wears really really blousey boxer shorts because They're waving in the wind like it's a skirt

PJ:

Okay. Actually, I'll, I'll back the animators on this one. Cause like they, they get the script and they're going to call up and say, wait, you, want us to animate this guy's underwear? Like, we don't, we don't know how to do that because that's not what you do in a children's show. No, no. You have to animate the underwear. Are you sure? Do it or you're fucking fired. Like, I feel like that's, that's the, so I'll, I'll buy the fact this is badly animated because this is not something you typically do in a kid's show.

Adam:

Inappropriate across the board. Well Miles it turns out has a plan for Venom to become invincible He says, and all I have to do is follow this map. And I just want to pause here and say, like, okay, Miles, Have any of your other quote unquote maps that lead to Venom's invincibility? ever paid off. They haven't gone very well so far.

PJ:

so invincibility, no, they nearly did find that. I mean, they did technically find the Nazi gold a few episodes ago. They didn't get to keep it never made them invincible. they tend to find the stuff and just lose it. but. Prosecution reserves the right to return to this moment to the sadness of Miles Mayhem, this episode, okay? you're right there is a problem that we're going to encounter here with regards to Miles plan.

Adam:

Well, meanwhile, and T Bob basically orphaned as usual. They're eating at a a cafe. Scott gets spaghetti and meatballs. And a large pizza. This kid's starving. no one is feeding him. Boy. And then the waitress says, And for you, T Bubbino, my extra special olive oil, which he then uses to lubricate his arm, which I find to be gross. just a couple things here. One, Why does this waitress know Scott and T Bob so well? And then also two, a father of the year moment, because where the heck is Matt?

PJ:

I think the answer to both questions we know is Matt's left Scott and T Bob here very often. I'll say that we don't have quite enough evidence to say that Matt's had a dalliance with the waitress, but at the very least, like, Scott and T Bob come here a lot, very lonely. And this waitress sees that.

Adam:

well good, at least there's someone who's feeling Scott's pain here. Scott tells T Bob that he wants to go to the Palatine Hill, but T Bob reminds him that Matt made him promise not to go looking for bronze coins. And so that allows Scott to find a loophole, because he's looking for gold coins. He wants to run off and t bobb is like, what about the food? So cool that t Bobb doesn't want to waste food. But Scott's answer to that is to dump all the food into like a trash receptacle inside of t Bobb, which is also very gross.

PJ:

The last time we've seen that, wasn't there like some kind of animal that was like being kept warm inside of T Bob.

Adam:

it was a baby. Something that was being kept warm inside of Tbo

PJ:

Let me ask you a question. Has

Adam:

Baby Panda. It might have been the Panda Ba Baby Panda.

PJ:

panda.

Adam:

Yep.

PJ:

was a baby panda, you're right. Has Scott cleaned the receptacle since then?

Adam:

No,

PJ:

Okay.

Adam:

no,

PJ:

to be

Adam:

no.

PJ:

there's very old panda poo inside of T Bob that now is in the same place where the food is.

Adam:

yum. Well there's some cool stuff here actually, not so much the Skaad being abandoned again. But um, Thunderhawk takes off into the air to intercept the Masked Jet, and we see it's being flown by Gloria and Hondo. So I kind of liked that moment.

PJ:

did too. I like that. It was a very cool, like, Hey, we're going to rendezvous in the sky. it's, know, implied, but it's like both Gloria and Hondo aren't just sort of bad ass drivers. They're also like capable pilots as well.

Adam:

Yeah, let's add that to the list of things that Gloria can do.

PJ:

Yes.

Adam:

she's, she's not Lara Croft, she's like James Bond. Like, she can do

PJ:

is.

Adam:

She should be the star of the show. But I digress. Matt asks them if they've ever heard of Caesar's sword. Now, Hondo, remember, picked for his knowledge of ancient Roman history, says, sure. When Caesar possessed the sword, Rome became a mighty empire. But when it was taken from him, he fell, and so did Rome. Whoa,

PJ:

We come to the heart of my anger for this episode, Hondo, I know the writers made you say that, so it's hard for me to blame you. I'm still very disappointed in you this is like someone just decided, oh, let's just invent this history. Even though like we're going to be actively harming kids by telling them a lie.

Adam:

right.

PJ:

is shit that would actually be on history tests. And I could

Adam:

Yeah.

PJ:

some poor third grader, like, saying, No! He had a magic sword!

Adam:

you're right, this is not some obscure history or mythology from a part of the world that the, that Western kids wouldn't know much about. Right, this is Roman history. This is the Roman Empire, you know, it's pretty well known

PJ:

yeah. And we'll get into the details in a second. There's

Adam:

Yeah.

PJ:

you if you wanted to do this kind of episode, because actually G. I. Joe did it, but they actually did it the right way.

Adam:

Mm hmm.

PJ:

is change it from Caesar's sword to Excalibur.

Adam:

you go.

PJ:

then you get to kind of drive a bus through whatever mythology you want to at that point in time, but anyway, the writers have somehow combined the Ark of the Covenant from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Adam:

Right,

The Bible speaks of the Ark leveling mountains and laying waste to entire regions. An army which carries the Ark before it is invincible. You

PJ:

let's get to the reality of it Caesar did have a sword and I didn't know this because it's not important But it was called Crocea Mors, which stands for yellow death. from everything I've been able to tell, cause he fought in, it wasn't just an armchair generally, he just, he got in the mix with it. So it was a Gladius, which is a type of Roman sword. So, I mean, there's broad swords, there's Katanas, there's Claymores, you know, Gladius is a type of sword. and supposedly the sword actually was lost when he was fighting a Britannic Prince, his name Neneus. When the sword got stuck in the guy's shield. Now Neneus was a badass, cause he was mortally wounded by this, but he's still like Survive for 15 days, took the sword and started killing Romans with it, but he was buried with the sword as a mark of honor and to be sure Julius, even after losing the sword, did pretty fine. He returned to Rome, became dictator and he was. It's fine until he was assassinated and, it's a little hard to suss out. He still was an amazing general after that. More importantly, this is a point that I feel like gets lost all the time, Julius didn't really create the empire he was at the tail end of the Republic. if you really look at it because it's an interesting period of history where there were these patriarchy like the oligarchy that was there and that was like kind of this like patrician state that was developing and this kind of idea of a dictator was almost like a lesser evil. and there's some sort of thought that he might have been trying to reform Rome. he did not create the Empire. But his great grand or his grand nephew, Augustus, certainly fucking did.

Adam:

Right.

PJ:

and to be sure, the Empire did not die with Julius. It lasted for almost 000 years until the last vestiges of the Holy Roman Empire died out. So this is an amount of bullshit. That's incredible.

Adam:

So just restating it, when Caesar possessed the sword, Rome became a mighty empire. When it was taken from him, he fell, and so did Rome. So

PJ:

no. Okay. No. He was assassinated by members of the Senate because they were afraid he was becoming too powerful.

Adam:

Thank you for unpacking that and proving that it's all a bunch of hogwash. Bruce reveals that a map was stolen from a private collection, and they think that Venom stole it, and if they find the sword, Mayhem will, and I, this is in quotes, Mayhem will feel. He has become invincible. And that's what I heard. What did you hear? Because if this is all about stopping miles, because he will feel he's become invincible, I'm checking out right now.

PJ:

hate to confirm it for you, but yes, they're concerned with Miles's feelings right now. Okay. They, and I was like, doesn't he already feel like a megalomaniac? and again, I want to of sum this up as we go forward. We're afraid that an old man is going to feel invincible when he holds a sword. And that's why we're going to do what we're about to do.

Adam:

I just love that. I'm like, Miles is going to feel invincible. Form Mobile Armored Strike Command. We will not let this man feel that way. Well, if this turns out to be authentic, Hondo reveals that there's a kid in his history class whose grade will have to be changed from an F to an A. So, not only is Hondo History information completely wrong, but his grades are totally arbitrary.

PJ:

So I played this one out in my head, and I love the idea that some kid has submitted a report around Caesar's sword after watching Raiders of the Lost Ark. And like, Hondo, and he rightly thinks this is bullshit, so he gave him the right grade of an F,

Adam:

right.

PJ:

Hondo's gonna have to go back to that kid and be like I got some new info. Huh?

Adam:

Well, but how is he going to reveal this info to the kid? So, I got some new info while I was off with my paramilitary organization that's my side hustle Well, oh boy. Meanwhile, Scott is digging and moving stones around and he finds a potential tunnel T bob tumbles down some column he's sitting atop which causes all the stones that scott has moved around to collapse And surprise, surprise, Scott and T Bob go falling to their doom.

PJ:

Okay, a few things. I want to remind folks we did a computation on T Bob's weight and we think it's somewhere on the order of pounds.

Adam:

Right,

PJ:

So, note that he just slammed into Scott. And were there no guards or tourist guides just to say you can't play on those ruins?

Adam:

Well, there might have been, but he's Matt's kid. So they just step aside and let him in.

PJ:

good point.

Adam:

I gotta ask you though, with Scott and T Bob falling to their doom, What's going to happen?

PJ:

I don't know! I don't know! Oh,

Adam:

We'll find out after these messages

Hold on. There's a battle we have to tend to. Be right back. We got them. Now back to the show.

Adam:

we're back when we left you scott and t bob were as usual falling to their doom But this time i'm, sorry to say Scott hits the bottom. He's dead And Matt will never be the same. Just kidding. Before they hit the ground, T Bob grabs onto a root that's sticking out, and Scott grabs hold. Once on the ground, Scott discovers another bronze coin. And he's, again, super not thrilled about finding ancient artifacts.

PJ:

So, certainly a Slyrax for, for this, this whole, like, sequence, basically, like, cause he should be dead.

Adam:

Yeah. Also, Scott is pretty nonchalant about almost dying.

PJ:

He, he, that

Adam:

he let

PJ:

It's so passé at this point in time, man!

Adam:

Yeah. Well, Teavop makes a joke about how some of his best friends are bronze. Any guesses as to what he's referring to?

PJ:

I mean, I had no idea. I mean, other than I was like, I looked up like, what are bronze robots?

Adam:

Mm hmm.

PJ:

it'd be like, Oh, maybe from Metropolis or something like that. But no, turns out there's this thing called, it's an ancient myth, Talos, the mythical bronze robot of Crete. Which was this magical robot that was gifted from Hephaestus to King Minos of Crete, had two jobs, to supervise the laws, and apparently to fly over Crete three times a day to watch for invaders, and what's great is that if he saw ships, he would throw rocks at the ships, but if he saw invaders or enemies on the land itself, He would do this flame on thing where he would heat up his body and then grab the guy and just basically burn him against his chest is pretty insane.

Adam:

doesn't doesn't kill them he just leaves them very badly burned.

PJ:

Very badly burned. And so if this is like, again, this is the only reference to a bronze robot I could think of, which I found to be a Roy Batty moment for Mr. T. Bob here.

Adam:

Oh Yeah, for sure. That's definitely a tip of the hat to his future plan Well, it turns out that Scott and T Bob are in the catacombs under Rome. T Bob starts leaving a trail of pepperoni behind them so they don't get lost. But, of course, a cat with very strange coloring starts eating the pepperoni.

PJ:

I never thought this plan was good. I don't see why he did. His catacombs contain rats.

Adam:

No, it's,

PJ:

returning to where you fell in isn't going to help you get back out. Like, I

Adam:

Totally. They don't even really need that. I mean, it's a setup for something really dumb that happens near the end of the episode. Well, meanwhile, Venom is in the catacombs. They still haven't found the sword yet. So Miles decides to take Cliff and Vanessa with him while he orders Sly To go and check out another catacomb on his own and so I actually complains about this and I'm just wondering a slide being punished for something.

PJ:

didn't know it's weird because like. Miles has this expectation of being able to find an ancient artifact in, like, days. and Sly is getting the brunt on this, and it's like, I don't know why.

Adam:

Well, meanwhile, at the Trevi Fountain, we've got a couple of American tourists with a southern drawl, enjoying the sights. the guy says, I gotta say those Italians had some talented plumbers. And I'm just going to go ahead and give another Buddy Hawks nomination, like all around here for the Italian plumber. stereotype bit as well as for just the insulting southern accents.

PJ:

It's just littered with Buddy Hawks noms this entire episode. I mean, I don't think we've ever seen an episode so dense with it

Adam:

Unnecessary ones, too.

PJ:

a hundred percent.

Adam:

they could have just been normal American tourists. Just a normal American accent would have been fine. Well, the ground below the Trevi Fountain starts to shake and people are freaking out and it turns out that Venom is firing lasers underground in the catacombs.

PJ:

This is archeology at its best.

Adam:

Right?

PJ:

and I'll say this much. Venom is living up to its terrorist brand in terms of wanton destruction.

Adam:

Yeah.

PJ:

point other than just like, you know, just destroying shit, but fine.

Adam:

Mask picks up police reports and so they head to the Trevi Fountain and the American woman with the bad accent falls into the fountain and she's being sucked underwater as the water drains down into the catacombs. But Gloria, she arrives in shark She uses aura to stop the wall of water, and she saves the woman's life. And again, she is just such a badass.

PJ:

She is, I mean, Gloria and Hondo do so much of the heavy lifting so often.

Adam:

Speaking of Hondo, he shows up and spots Venom driving in the catacombs, and so Bruce uses Lifter to pull Jackhammer out of the catacombs and onto the streets, so it's kind of a badass use of a mask power for sure.

PJ:

I really enjoy how Bruce just drops Jack hammer out of the sky. one other thing I noted from this scene switchblade is not in this episode,

Adam:

Yeah, he's riding around in jackhammer the whole time. So hurricane fires its rear tire and what is it with hondo and vehicles that fire tires? Like, I

PJ:

like, look, I'm not going to drive a vehicle unless it can fire its tire in some amazing way. that is like a, like red line for him that any vehicle he drives, he needs that power.

Adam:

Cliff raises the sort of front shield on Jackhammer, so the tire bounces off it, but Miles is sitting in the laser turret for some reason, and he takes a direct hit in the face from this tire. Like, he should be very badly wounded by this, if not killed, right?

PJ:

He's a hundred percent. This is a Sly Rax nom for him.

Adam:

Oh, yeah.

PJ:

have broken his neck.

Adam:

Right.

PJ:

It rolls straight up.

Adam:

He's dead. Well, we have a Thunderhawk Manta battle in the sky. Vanessa threatens to destroy the forum if Matt doesn't call off his team. So Matt, rather than doing, like, anything awesome, like, with his technology, To stop Vanessa from doing that. He just tells the team to let them go. Which is the least badass thing we've seen the whole episode. And it comes from the leader of Mask himself.

PJ:

there's really not much that Matt does this episode and this is actively harmful right here.

Adam:

Yeah.

PJ:

It was just like now he cares about the ruins. Maybe those are ruins. He cares about not the one he's putting them

Adam:

Alright.

PJ:

on top of because otherwise I think it'd be like great razor to the ground. Like, I can't wait to put up another outlet.

Adam:

The forum is the whole underpinning of my mall here, so it's got to be standing. Because people then walk up the stairs to the outlet mall.

PJ:

Did you find it interesting that Venom actually has a radio frequency that can talk to Mask?

Adam:

I feel like it's the first time we've seen this. Though there might have been something kind of implied in a much earlier episode. But yes, I did notice that. And thought it was a bit odd. Actually, why would they have the same radio frequencies?

PJ:

I think it's like they have an open communication in case, like, they need to like threaten or something like that.

Adam:

Well, meanwhile Sly Rax discovers Caesar's sword, and he actually gets a fantastic idea that if he keeps the sword he can be as powerful as Caesar and he won't have to be bossed around by Miles anymore. Super smart idea, Sly. And in fact, when Miles calls for a progress report, Sly says, bug off.

PJ:

He, he gets a backbone. And it made me think that maybe the sword does have a special power. Courage.

Adam:

Yes. And there you go. The power of the sword all along was the people of Rome themselves.

PJ:

Now the sword is colored yellow, which does track, I mean, actually it's colored more golden. So it does track with the whole yellow death thing that we talked about earlier, the animation does make it look like it's made of gold, which I'll just say that gold's a terrible metal to make

Adam:

Oh yeah.

PJ:

of. soft and heavy. It's like two things you do not want in a sword.

Adam:

Right. Back with Scott and T Bob, they decide to turn back where they came from only to find that the cat ate all the pepperoni. So they don't know how to get out of the catacombs and T Bob says too bad we didn't order Chinese. And I'm, I'm sorry. Is that racist? I'm not sure I get what he's saying, but I'm pretty sure it's racist.

PJ:

So I think there was a, popular eighties rumor that Chinese food was made up of alley cats. I mean, this is a joke in the movie Scrooge

Adam:

Yeah.

PJ:

to take place at an earlier time. So I, I definitely feel like that implication is there. So like I was going to give a buddy Hawks nom to T Bob at this point in time, because It's both obscure and weird, and, you know, as a kid, how would you go and ask your parents, like, to explain this to you at that point in time?

Adam:

absolutely. I mean, but if you, and if you think of it, it is one of the Buddy Hawks nominations we've had in this show. to lean into the joke that Chinese food is made of alley cats. That's horrific. That's

PJ:

And so that's why it was like, wait a second, like, how do you unpack this? And it never unpacks anything good.

Adam:

No, it never does. Scott and t Bobb stumble upon racks who is polishing the sword. They try to run away, but Sly catches up to them and grabs t bobb by the arm. T Bobb has a great idea. He ejects all the spaghetti out of his stomach uh, onto racks Which causes a bunch of hungry, feral cats to attack Sly.

PJ:

It's such a great motion because basically, like, T Bob threw up the spaghetti onto Raxxon. Like even though it's not digest or anything like that, it's just like, warm spaghetti and sauce basically being like ejected onto someone. And if we're right about no cleaning, then some dried panda poo too.

Adam:

Exactly, exactly. And Rax is constantly getting chased by, like, angry or feral animals.

PJ:

Yeah.

Adam:

That's one of the continuing, running themes. And again, giving more credence to my theory that this episode was written by the same person who wrote Pandapoo. Because Rax was also chased by animals in that one as well.

PJ:

again, we'll, we'll do the final countdown at the very end,

Adam:

Yeah,

PJ:

would not be surprised at all.

Adam:

As they're escaping, Scott and T Bob do grab the sword.

PJ:

Scott's admiring. It doesn't look neat. I bet those are real jewels. And gold! Which again, if it's even partially made of gold, like, it'd be really hard to pick up. So, Scott's juicing. We know this from many episodes now.

Adam:

Miles catches up to Sly in the catacombs, and Sly reveals that he dropped the sword. And so there's a little awkward moment there. Matt, flying over in Thunderhawk, spots T Bob on his scanner. And there's three Venom vehicles gaining on them. And he says, they're headed toward the Coliseum! So that's gonna set up this final battle in the Coliseum, which I think is a very cool idea. T Bob is burning rubber to get away from Venom

PJ:

He looks pissed. Like he's got his mean eyes on at this

Adam:

Yeah, yeah, he's got his Roy Batty eyes for sure So now it's all inside the Coliseum all the vehicles and Scott and T Bob and the sword Vanessa uses Whip to get the sword away from Scott. Miles grabs it from her, stands atop Jackhammer, and he has literally his He Man, I have the power moment, holding the sword up to the sky. Heh

PJ:

His line is, The end has come, mask. You are powerless to stop me now. I have the sword of Caesar. So, before we go any further, and recalling all the earlier moments, I want to take one more beat. Before we talk about what's to come, Miles Mayhem is an elderly man. He has a sword.

Adam:

Heh heh

PJ:

He believes that sword makes him invincible. And I want you to know that everything's to follow should be considered under that framework right now. Okay,

Adam:

Alright. He points that sword at Thunderhawk, and Gloria uses some smoke bombs that she pilfered from Vanessa to make it look like Thunderhawk was destroyed. But, in reality, they use that distraction to surround the Venom vehicles, and Matt reveals that the Sword of Caesar never had any power. I'm like, dude, seriously?

PJ:

again, we just talked about this, but let's review. Gloria, Bruce, and Hondo just gaslit an old man to make him believe, even for a moment, that he destroyed Thunderhawk. Good. And the look on Miles face after this is so sad, it makes the entire situation not okay, okay? you have just morally destroyed this man. Like, I don't know if there's ever any coming back for him.

Adam:

I Know, it's like, look, he may be the leader of a terrorist organization, but he's still a person. And this is the moment where grandpa gets his car keys taken away.

PJ:

It's so sad.

Adam:

It's so incredibly sad.

PJ:

because he looks so forlorn and we got to post this shot because

Adam:

Oh, yeah.

PJ:

he's coming to the realization I am not what I used to be. I really believed that this sword was going to give me magic powers to destroy vehicles. it didn't.

Adam:

It's like, it's not enough for Matt to defeat Venom here. He also has to destroy Miles as a human being.

PJ:

Success! He has succeeded.

Adam:

He has indeed. Well, despite Venom being completely surrounded by masked vehicles, somehow they let them get away. And this is just a complete dereliction of duty. There is no excuse for this. They could have arrested them all. And Venom would be done. But somehow they just sit there and they watch Venom drive away.

PJ:

I wonder if this is part of the cruelty of Matt. just dressed down Miles so brutally, like, he wants him to suffer. Like, he's not even gonna give him a clean defeat. He just wants him to, like, stew in his own shit.

Adam:

that syncs up with how Matt behaves. Now, Scott wants to know how Matt survived. Because he saw him blow up and Matt explains that it was a diversion to take Venom's attention away from Scott and Scott hugs Matt he's like, oh dad, but he must be very confused by

PJ:

I feel like this is Matt covering for the fact he just destroyed an old man. Because Venom was not interested in Scott after getting the sword. Like, he very clearly says, Mask, I'm going to destroy you. I think there's some retconning Matt's doing here. Like, oh yeah, I mean, I wanted to Venom from going after you, Scott. That's why I destroyed that old man.

Adam:

now Bruce grabs the sword he says Scott, how do you like a souvenir? And hands it to Scott. So Scott takes the sword and then says he's found the best use for it. Cutting pizza! So here's my question. Scott gets to keep a priceless artifact?

PJ:

All I heard in my head was Indiana Jones screaming

That belongs in a museum!

PJ:

So, I'll say this much. No one knew about the artifacts location previously. So Matt's like, no one's gonna miss it.

Adam:

Everyone thought I was a legend anyway, so now we've got ourselves a golden sword.

PJ:

And I

Adam:

it to the

PJ:

those ruins for my mall, so I own that sword now.

Adam:

Well, everyone laughs. And we cut to the more you know. Scott drops an orange into the garbage disposal, and T Bob reaches for it, and, I mean, like, what the heck, guys? Like, you just did the garbage disposal one a few episodes ago. is wrong with you?

PJ:

I couldn't figure out if this was such a major problem in the 80s. We had to have two to three lessons on this because if so, the pileup that's happening in that sink is incredible. Like, it's absolutely incredible. Like,

Adam:

Well, he also says like, you never know when someone's going to turn it on as if it's like the final destination movie where you never know, like, is it going to turn on? Is it not? I do have to say though, after watching these things, I am a bit hesitant now when I know there's something in the garbage disposal that I have to pull out. I'm like. Wait, is this, is it going to turn on? So, it's working.

PJ:

disposals in the 80s had a tendency to turn themselves on. Maybe this is like a dramatic flaw that we're unaware of today.

Adam:

proper way to do it is to go to the fuse box, turn off the circuit breaker for the kitchen, and then go pull things out of the garbage disposal. And then turn it back on. Kids, here's how, here's the fuse box. that's it. That's it. We learned the lesson again, and we are out. So let's grade the skills of our agents, shall we? So Gloria was chosen because of her background in archeology.

PJ:

I mean, I, I could not figure, I mean, maybe she recognized a route for the, you know, fountain, but it's never very explicit. So D minus

Adam:

Okay.

PJ:

very generous with Gloria. I never like, honestly, I never liked giving Gloria or Hondo low grades. Cause I think so highly of them, but like, this is a

Adam:

Yeah.

PJ:

like I can't. I can't justify any higher.

Adam:

Well, and I think that you gave her the D minus. In relation to Hondo, And what do you give him there?

PJ:

that's an F that is

Adam:

Alright,

PJ:

F right there. If I could give a lower grade, I would because the entire thing's bullshit and Hondo, I'm so disappointed

Adam:

and it's why you have to give Gloria a D minus. Because at least she doesn't make stuff up. About And then finally uh, Bruce, who was pre selected because he was there.

PJ:

Yeah. So he doesn't run off. So, I guess pass,

Adam:

what was he even doing there? Hanging with Matt?

PJ:

yeah, I mean, we've seen him kind of vacation with Matt, Scott, and T Bob before, so maybe they're doing kind of another, round of that,

Adam:

Yeah, yeah,

PJ:

so he doesn't run, so fine, you get a passing grade, I mean, literally, it's a pass fail, so you

Adam:

Alright, is this episode Pandapoo?

PJ:

Yes.

Adam:

Yes, we both agree with that. Yes, it is a terrible, terrible episode.

PJ:

So much, so much, man, the history is terrible. There's stakes are poor.

Adam:

back to the namesake of this award, episode was about Miles carving his face into the stone idols on Easter Island. And the pandas were there as basically human shields, animal shields to prevent people from stopping him doing that. Those are the stakes for this one. The stakes are a sword with no power,

PJ:

We've also talked about the fact that venom needs to be a credible threat

Adam:

right?

PJ:

you know, we've seen credible threats like earthquake machines, down comments you know, giant caterpillars even, here I end up feeling sorry for miles more than anything else.

Adam:

Yeah.

PJ:

where I am left. finally, I sort of alluded to this earlier. This is pound for pound, really like, ace, a players across the board for mask, you know,

Adam:

The best mask agents there are.

PJ:

Yeah. They're wasted in this episode.

Adam:

Panda poo all around. Okay, let's take a look at our awards. The Buddy Hawks Award. What do you think?

PJ:

You know, this, this ended up turning into an honorable mention, which was

Adam:

Mm hmm.

PJ:

for Caesar. I did not think that would have been beat, but T Bob with the Chinese food and cat connection,

Adam:

Yeah.

PJ:

that, trumped it. and again, this is an episode littered with like possibilities here, but

Adam:

Mm hmm

PJ:

did it for me.

Adam:

Yeah, the t bob Chinese food alley cats thing is unforgivable sometimes Sometimes in some of these we push the envelope a little bit and we think oh, yeah, but it was the 80s Like you and I talk about this maybe afterwards. Yeah, it was the 80s. So maybe contextually it wasn't seen as racist Even though we know it clearly was. This was at the time clearly a racist joke.

PJ:

Yeah,

Adam:

This is unforgivable. So yes to T Bob, but a Thousand yes for the writer of the episode.

PJ:

we're really racking up that Lifetime Achievement Award for the writers.

Adam:

Oh boy Father of the Year Award

PJ:

You know, I was kind of torn on this. I mean, it's kind of easy for the Matt leaving Scott in Rome.

Adam:

Yeah.

PJ:

to me that Matt lying to Scott about why he did that distraction,

Adam:

Yeah.

PJ:

because he clearly wanted to, like, embarrass Miles.

Adam:

I just, I do think Matt dropping Scott and T Bob off at the hotel, it's standard. It's

PJ:

off

Adam:

standard fare.

PJ:

off screen, they

Adam:

Yeah.

PJ:

like showing it this

Adam:

Yeah. Uh, Slyrax Ragdoll Award?

PJ:

I think it's got to go to Scott following his doom with

Adam:

Mm hmm.

PJ:

crushing him.

Adam:

I do like Miles getting hit in the face with the tire, though. I

PJ:

that, yeah,

Adam:

mean, that one is uh, that's hardcore. And he walks away without a scratch.

PJ:

that was like an honorable mention I had for that one, which was like, Oh, I really want to give it to Miles for breaking his neck that time.

Adam:

Notably, not a physical scratch on him, but tons of emotional damage.

PJ:

He's destroyed.

Adam:

And uh, what do you think? Any Roy Batty awards here?

PJ:

That T Bob is indeed referring to Talos, the mythical bronze robot.

Adam:

huh.

PJ:

his desire to crush his enemies.

Adam:

I agree. All I can think of at the Talos is Gigantor. Okay, well that was episode 33. Coming up is episode 34, Peril in Paris. Buddy Hawks disguises himself as Venom Agent Dagger in order to infiltrate Venom's secret base in Paris. There, He uncovers Venom's plan to find a Nazi doomsday machine. And just a note for those of you who are in Region 2 so over in Europe this episode was titled Peril Under Paris. So there you go. More Nazis.

PJ:

I, I was shocked when I saw this episode and I feel like this one tops the last episode we saw with Nazis in terms of just like, wow,

Adam:

I cannot wait. But I will have to because for now this podcast has to transform and head back to HQ. I am Adam Moore.

PJ:

And I am PJ

Adam:

Buh bye!

PJ:

bye.

The mobile armored podcast show is written, produced and edited. Bye Adam Moore. And PJ McNerney.